Some changes in our lives can bring feelings of grief and in the thanatology world, we call these non-death losses. In this blog I want to talk about Divorce, which is a significant loss. Recent research has suggested that going through a divorce can be more difficult to adjust to than the death of a spouse (D.Harris, 2020). People are very surprised when that is mentioned because how could that possibly be, of course a death is much harder! As a thanatologist I know that the death of a close attachment is one of the toughest experiences you will ever go through. However, to have the view that divorce was a choice between the couple (some are) and that there is not a great amount of pain felt is not accurate. A very close attached relationship has died...but they are still alive. We may need to see them, yearn for that attachment even if unhealthy, communicate with them or have unfortunate run ins while out.

The Ending of a Marriage

Most of us go into a marriage thinking this will be forever, not eventually I will divorce this person. The feelings and losses that come forth with the ending of a marriage are so many and a lot of these feelings are grief. Some of the losses include friendship, security, intimacy, and familiarity, to name a few. When I started on my divorce journey I went to a family lawyer's information day. When we went around the table to tell the lawyers what we did I mentioned I am studying to become a thanatologist. Of course, I had to describe what Thanatology was and they started shaking their heads saying “Oh Karen, we need this so much”. They said they have so many coming into their offices in grief, similar feelings like they lost a loved one.

The Heavy Grief

Whether you left or were left, it can be very difficult to navigate the heavy grief. One day you're so angry and the next day you may miss that person! What a dilemma to navigate; I know I have been there. At the same time you are involved with lawyers and the court systems and all these can be incredibly stressful. On top of that, if you have children you worry and juggle between two homes which can cause more anxiety and sadness. There are also societal negative messages that can have such an impact on divorcing people. Some examples are ”you could not make it work?” or "wow, you stayed way too long in that marriage”, or “you're too old, how are you going to find someone now?” And you can feel like you're the third or fifth wheel with family and friends when you are at gatherings. Interestingly this last one is a feeling that resonates with widows and widowers. This can leave the individual feeling more alone and isolated.

This Rollercoaster Ride

This rollercoaster ride involves a lot of grieving and rebuilding your new life without the person you thought you would be with till the end. There is limited support for those who are grieving divorce (I know this personally as well) and the need is plenty. Just because society has deemed that divorce is a normal occurrence does not mean that the grief you are experiencing should not be validated, supported and understood (Harris, 2020). Slowly you need to piece together your world that has changed drastically. It can be hard to open up to people as you may fear judgement (self stigma...I am a failure, low self esteem) and what people and society might think of you. It is essential you get support. I wanted to write this blog to let people know when you are going through a divorce you could be feeling a lot of grief and have symptoms as such. It is death of sorts, just not thought of as one by society. The attachment is broken, just like a death, but different journeys. It can take time to heal from a divorce. Thanatologists never put a timeline on this because each divorce, each person and each situation is unique. By accepting the grieving process you can rebuild your self capacities, regain meaning again and have incredible growth. A good life is possible as you continue on your journey, you will see light and have joy again.

Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.