#51 P.S. I Made It
With Dawn Taylor
The Divorce Magazine Canada Podcast has a brand new look AND even MORE content to support you through all your LIFE CHANGES!
I'm so excited to have Dawn Taylor as my first guest on the new & improved "Life Changes Channel".
Dawn is a trauma, business and life coach (aka Ass Kicker, Hope Giver!). Her passion is turning people, like you, into an internal gut level rockstar to overcome pasts and move into the most amazing future ever.
For more information, you can find Dawn online @ thetaylorway.ca
Get her book "P.S. I Made It"
Listen to her podcast "Taylor Way Talks"
Contact Dawn
Facebook: The Taylor Way
Instagram: The Taylor Way Now
LinkedIn: Dawn Taylor
Watch the video of this interview on our YouTube channel.
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Transcript:
Dawn Taylor 0:00
Hey, I'm Dawn Taylor and welcome to the Life Changes Channel.
Deena Kordt 0:05
Life comes with many changes, some are expected. Some are unexpected, some positive, some challenging, but you don't have to navigate them alone. There are people who care and want to help. You're in the right place because I'm here to connect you with them.
What is your next step? Making choices the involve, change can be difficult. Where can you find the resources who have answers for your questions? Our team of experts and professionals can help you make informed decisions with less stress to help you manage these changes in your life easier. You'll also meet people just like you who share their stories to encourage you not to give up.
Hi, I'm Deena Kordt, an author, blogger, publisher, and empowerment coach. Thank you for joining me today on the Life Changes Channel podcast, where we'll cover topics around life changes that you might be facing in your career & education, health, finances, relationships, parenting, aging, real estate, lifestyle, loss, and personal growth. This show started out as the Divorce Magazine Canada podcast, but so much of the content could also apply, even if you aren't dealing with a divorce or separation. So now it's Life Changes Channel, there will still be lots of information to support you or someone you care about who is dealing with divorce or separation. I encourage you to go back and meet all the incredible guests in the earlier episodes. There is so much gold there.
And hey, did you know we have a YouTube channel, a new Life Changes Channel, and free magazines with articles from our team, available across much of Alberta, as well as on our website, lifechangesmag.com. We also hold online divorce resource groups that are free to attend. And everyone is welcome. Check out the links in the show notes. And be sure to join us. We'd love bringing experts to you please refer to our terms of service available on our website lifechangesmag.com. And stay tuned at the end for the legal language. Ready? Here we go.
Joining me today on the podcast. The first episode now that it's known as life changes channel, but the 51st episode of the podcast since it started is Dawn Taylor. This lady is phenomenal. I just finished reading her book. It's called "P.S. I Made It" and holy crap she has been through a lot. And she has learned how to navigate through that and, and how to heal and how to use that in ways that she is now sharing. As a coach and a trauma specialist. She has group coaching that she has now started "Inner Strength Collective". She has a podcast the "Taylor Way Talks" podcast, and The Taylor way is the name of her business that she coaches under. She is an absolute angel as far as leading the way helping people deal with trauma and not just giving you know this pat answer of well, you can just figure it out, you'll be okay, let's just forget about the past and let that go and move on. She actually helps you dig into those deep dark corners, heal it and figure out what next. So she is there to walk you through that. I am just really thrilled to have her on the show. And I'm really excited for you to be able to meet her as well. Let's meet her now.
Dawn, this is truly a pleasure to have you on the show. I have been reading your book, which you generously gifted. And it's incredible. It's like, now you are literally an open book to people. And that is such a vulnerable spot to be in. It's also a beautiful gift. And as people who know me can tell I'm my voice is off. I'm sick. And as I'm reading your book,
Dawn Taylor 4:20
just so hard. I was like girl, are you sure you don't want to read it? Yeah, no, it's
Deena Kordt 4:24
all good. I'm not gonna reschedule this. I've been looking forward to this interview and I just finished the book last night. And I have to say that two things that really resonated with me, because I was having a few little cold symptoms is some of the stuff that that you have experienced and how like say that achy, you know the joints and stuff like that you have for years. The other thing that really that really sat with me was how grateful I am to have had the health and had the life that I have had. And I think those would have been the two biggest gifts I got from your book So welcome to the show. What thank you for this beautiful gift. And yeah, just let us get to know, get to know you better and tell the audience, you know, what is your why? What do you do? How, how can they also gain the appreciation for their life like I have through through your work?
Dawn Taylor 5:21
Thank you, I am so honored to be here. And it's funny, I wrote my book for clients, not to get clients, but for my clients, because over the years, they'd say, I don't know how to explain to someone what happened to me in the aftermath of it. I don't know how to explain to someone when I'm, you know, dealing with depression, whether it actually feels like it looks like or when I've dealt with sexual trauma, or I've dealt with, you know, suicidal ideation, or any of these things, like, I don't know how to word it. How do I explain it? And I would use the words and they'd be like, can you just write that out? Can you just write that out? And I'd laugh and I'd be like, Yeah, okay. And so that's really where it started. was, it was a book meant to help people number one who, who have just lived, right, who have had struggles, had pain had trauma in any way, shape, or form to feel seen, heard understood. I wanted to give people hope, but not with this toxic positivity of our world today. Where it's like, no, sometimes you take 10 steps forward, and then you take 15 back, but then the next time you only take two back, and that's okay. That's okay. Because that's actually what a normal journey looks like in someone's world. Right. But for people who had never been through specific health issues, or traumas or different things, for them to be able to read it and go, Oh, my goodness, I get it. Now. I understand a friend or a family member or my significant other in a totally different way. Okay, now I understand it. And now we can have open conversation about it. And so yeah, I am, I'm honored you read it, I am so honored you read it? Well, it's, it's a
Deena Kordt 6:57
way to build compassion from sharing something that you had to experience and didn't necessarily have the support. Like, I mean, husband, oh, my God, what a blessing to have had is pretty awesome. Through like, from Teenage, and, you know, the way he's recognized, like, I especially, and I was telling my partner about this, I said, Wow, when you had your aneurysm, and how he advocated and pushed and how, you know, that saved your life, and knew you well enough, he realized this, you know, I'm not a medical professional, but I'm going to, I'm going to make sure that she gets seen and that they, they investigate. So. Wow. It's really quite fascinating. How you say to that, the compassion that we can feel for others now having, having seen from, from your side of it, what it's like to be in the middle of that, and how Oh, my God, it affects everything. And you are an example of like, tough, stubborn willed to, like, fight and go on, but you are honest, that it wasn't there, you had some really dark times to
Dawn Taylor 8:21
you know, so you'd said to introduce myself and who I am, I am bad at that. I totally skipped over that. So I'm Don Taylor. I'm the Ask kicker, hope giver of the Taylor way. And I'm a trauma specialist. And, you know, it's one of the things that my why is that I, I lived through it. I lived through it. And if you've read my book, if you've met me and asked me questions, if you checked on my website, if you've heard any of my podcasts, you know that I had a really, really insane life. Like a really insane life. And my book is maybe 65% of what actually went down. Like, I actually had to filter a lot. And it's interesting how, like, I was so broken, and I felt so damaged and too far gone, and like I wasn't fixable. And when I would go talk to a therapist and or a psychologist and they'd be like, no, like, you should plan on pretty much being in therapy for the rest of your life. Like you have a lot you have to work through. And there were no tangible strategies or tools or things that I could grab on to and just be like, yes, okay, I know I'm going to be okay. The one thing I remember thinking is like, I've been in therapy for years, and I don't feel hope at no point have I felt hope that I'm going to be okay or hope that I'm not broken or hope that I can recover from these things or hope that you know, that I'm even like, going to survive Another week, another day, another month, another year, right. And I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one out there that has been there and has felt that but then I would also go to see like a life coach or I'd go to a you know somebody else And it was so much toxic positivity, and you need to just like look forward and not backwards. And, and it was like, but backwards is like the foundation that's built who I am. And if I don't heal that that's just like toxic poison inside of me. Very, because it didn't matter how much I tried to like, no, no, just think positive, just push forward, you can do it on you can do it. It didn't fix what had happened, it didn't heal it, it didn't allow me to process it. And I think so much of it was that I felt like I was too much. I felt like I was too much for anybody and everybody around me. And so how do you ever even just share? How do you ever even just share your story or share something when people are like, okay, that's not easy to deal with. Right. And so then I was afraid to hurt other people with my story. Because if I would tell them something that had happened to me, and they would react or they'd have a trauma response to it, or they would panic a little bit or freak out, or I could see that it triggered something in them, I would then shut down because now they felt unsafe because I didn't have anyone that I could talk to without hurting them. And it was when people started asking me like, Hey, you somehow lived through this and survived this. How did you deal with infertility? How did you deal with like having health issues every every day that you have to deal with? How do you deal with the pain? How do you deal with the sexual abuse? So the eating disorders, this is it. I'm like, like, it's a crazy book, right? And I'd be like, oh, here, here's a strategy. Here's a tool, here's the thing, but hey, tell me your story. What happened. And at no point when I react, it's always interesting when a client says that, you know, when I deal with people, everything from raced in cults and dealt with abuse, and, you know, had to had to commit what we would consider a crime because of their career and their job. And they were forced to, like, I have heard all of it lived through wars, like I've literally heard it all. And one of the comments I always get is, nothing shocks you. But you look at it, and it doesn't scare you, but you know, the path out of it. And I'm like, Well, yeah, cuz I've been there. And, and I think partially because I'm so vulnerable with it, that I am an open book that I'm like, no, no, let's talk about the depths of the hell of your soul. Let's talk about when you're at your darkest and things have been the worst. And I know exactly where your brain is at. And I know exactly what you're going through. So here's what we're going to do to help you get out of it.
Deena Kordt 12:40
What's amazing is that you are creating that space for people where you have been, where they are afraid to look at those dark corners. And they're and they're also terrified to share it because they will see that shock, they will see that, that response, and they don't want to hurt or scare other people, they don't want to be too much like you said, or on the other side of it. The way your family reacted to the sexual abuse was, you know, horrible. Ignore it didn't happen and put it aside and move forward. And again, you know, ignore it. So you can't ignore it. But you also can't just you need to heal it right. So what's really cool is that you are using what? What happened to you the hard dark places that you found yourself in. And you've taken that and and you're creating beautiful spaces for others who have that in their lives, whether they're running for it, or they're ready to face it. Or they don't know how to work through it, because they've seen the fear that you know, that the triggering and the I love that you want to know people's stories. That's I just I hammer that home all the time. I'm a connector and creator of one. I'm curious, I want to know people's stories. And there's so much to people that are first impressions, misinterpret or have already have a knowing. And if you can dig in, it's not like how could you do that? It's what's what's happened to you? Yeah.
Dawn Taylor 14:21
Well, but I think a lot of people we feel so I did a podcast a while ago, and it was on how the self help industry is actually causing more harm than good. And I see this a lot is and this isn't a dig against anybody who's in this industry who genuinely is trying to help people. But one of the things that I see a lot of is that people don't they haven't done the work. They haven't done the work to heal themselves. And to deal with those those corners. So how do you guide someone through their corners? Yes, right because now you're just walking beside them blind and trying to lead them through something that you've never been there. Right? And so there's also this, this toxic positivity around like, No, you just need to be grateful. And you just need to have gratitude and you just need to be thankful. And you just need to, you know, manifest your way out of this. And just look forward, just like forward just like forward. And so then when people can't write when they can't, because their traumas so big or so dark or so deep, and traumas interesting, there's no, there's no scale, there's no Oh, that's a big trauma, you get more points for that one, or oh, that's just a little baby trauma. No, a trauma is anytime your nervous system is Jarred. Right, and it left a massive impact anytime or an added like an adaptation to you. Right, where it's like something happened. And so now I have a new filter. Now I have a new adaptation. Now I had to shift something in who I am to survive something. Right, right. And that is what sits in our body that is that literally scientifically sits in your cells of your body. And so when we are so busy going, but I should be healed already. But I should be doing better. Because look at what that person's doing and how well they're doing. Right? I feel like one of our biggest struggles right now is that there's just a lack of authenticity. There's such a lack of authenticity, when it comes to like, know, the healing journey is gonna suck. Right? Like I often tell people, I'm like, sometimes it feels like you're ripping off a body size Band Aid. It does. Like sometimes it really sucks having to go through it. But you're not alone. I'm going to be walking right with you through this and guiding you through this. Right? I'm there. What do you need? Right? How can I support you right now. And it's, it's just, it's looking at it in a different way. And if I could change one thing in this world, it would be the shame we feel over the trauma, we haven't healed. The shame, we feel that we aren't at the same level someone else's ad or we're not showing up as happy as somebody else's or we're not like, Oh, I did this amazing weekend retreat. And now I feel like a million bucks. And I'm totally healed from everything. And you're like, wait, I'm not. What about me? Right? And we're so busy judging our journeys based on what somebody else's journey is. And I'm not saying someone can be healed on a weekend retreat. Maybe they were maybe that's everything that they needed. But for the person that's like, No, I'm really angry. No, I'm really hurt still. No, I need to like, like, I do rage work with clients. Right? No, I'm not getting over this. And I don't know how to get over this. And I don't know how to walk past this and the situation right now. There is help out there. There is support out there. You're not broken. You're not too much. You're not. Right. Like, like you 100% can get healing and do amazing. But you can also have days, healed, right? And yes, I do think that you can be healed, you can have days that you're healed, and still wake up and have a rough day. And it doesn't mean that you're not healed. It doesn't mean that you undid something, it doesn't mean that you backtracked on it, it doesn't mean any of those things. It means you're actually just living a very, very human real experience. And the greatest gift ever, I said this to my nephew yesterday, because he was just like, oh, today's sucked. And I said, You know what's amazing about every day and he goes, what? And I said, we get to go to bed and try again tomorrow. And I said, How amazing is that? Right? Like, How incredible is it that we get to do that, that we get an opportunity to start again, I sit in that today doesn't have to dictate tomorrow, which doesn't have to dictate the day after.
Deena Kordt 19:14
This reminds me that for anybody watching the video - will see I just had a coughing fit and Dawn, I just kept going during the show because anyways, I just need to.
Dawn Taylor 19:30
Okay, you were having a coughing fit. We've
Deena Kordt 19:31
got this reminds me of when my daughter was a teenager. I remember she'd come home sometimes and say, This is the worst day of my life. And I said Honey, I really hope it is. Initially it would set her back and she think Well, that was mean and I said I really hope it is the absolute worst day of your entire life. By the next morning she'd be like, Yeah, you're right things could be a lot worse. sense reminded me of that. She said, You know, I know I get it. Now she's a mother. And she said, yeah, those days seem so dark. And yet, there is hope. And I love that that's the message that you help people understand and reach for. Because you've been more than once, in the darkest of darks, where you wanted to just exit that world and leave this life. I mean, you've attempted suicide you have planted like, it's just again, you see the roofers banging on the roof, again, a little bit at Target. Yeah. So I like that. You, you come from such an interesting perspective, different, like you say, different than some who maybe haven't even done their own healing. I know myself, like, I just thought, oh, you know, I was in abusive situation for over 30 years. And when I was gone, I just thought, Okay, I'm gone, I'm out of it. I've always tried to stay very optimistic. I'm fine. You know, I'm just, I'm going to be good. But no, there was a lot of healing. And it's a continuing, it's a layer upon layer, because it otherwise would just be so overwhelming. And I found that as time has gone on, I feel very compelled, and obligated to use my experiences, like what you're doing, to help others to give them encouragement to give them support, and to help build awareness. And that's what you're doing. And I love that not only you're there to support people, but you're also creating awareness for the people who want to support them. And, and help them be more compassionate.
Dawn Taylor 21:48
Thank you, I have a statement. And if people have, if anyone listening knows me, you've heard this Commonwealth 1000 times is no judgment, just curiosity. And I often say like if if we could stop judging somebody based on what they're showing us and stop judging someone based on what we're seeing, and actually take a second and get to know them. Right and understand them. And, you know, the other piece of it is, I don't think that everyone who's been through something is meant to help other people with it. That's true. I don't I have people all the time that go, I don't know, right? Like my clients, when we're digging in and doing the work. They're like, I don't know how you do this. Like, I don't know how you do this on a daily basis. And I always laugh and think, Yeah, but it's my, it's, it's my story and my stuff that has created the ability in me to be able to do this, I wouldn't recommend this to most people. Right? And so when I talk to someone who is wanting to get into the industry, or they're wanting to or other coaches, right, like I have a lot of coaches that recommend and refer all of their trauma stuff to me, because they're like, I can't like I don't know where to even start. I don't want to start, I don't want to go there. And I'm like, perfect, because I have people for you to write and I love the collaborative aspect of that. And I don't know, I think that that's also something right. Like, there's so much out there of like, everyone needs to write a book and everyone needs to have a podcast and everyone needs to be helping someone else heal and everyone needs to be. You know what, sometimes helping someone else heal is just having compassion. Yes. Sometimes it's using our story. Sometimes the reason why we need to heal is because we need to be an influence to people in our lives.
Deena Kordt 23:55
I looking at
Dawn Taylor 23:58
I remember looking at people in my life when I started healing, right, some kids that were in my world, and I was like, Man, I gotta do this work because they're gonna have to do this work one day. And I need to know that there is a journey out, I need to know that there is a path for them because I will never be the adult that's like, it's okay. You'll be fine. You'll get through this, right? And that's where you know, now I can sit you know, with either nieces or nephews or clients or whatever and be like, Yeah, that sucks. So what are we gonna do about it?
Deena Kordt 24:33
I think that's a such a good point that you've made around. You don't have to use that to coach other people or to do all the things with your experience. For me, what made such a massive difference was just friends, being open and vulnerable, to share their story. If you share it with one person and give them hope that they aren't alone that you get it that you aren't He is a massive gift that helped me find freedom and realize, Oh, this isn't something I need to accept or put up with. And for, for someone who come from a childhood, that is their norm. And just to understand that, you have this, this isn't, isn't something I need to tolerate, or stay in, that there was
Dawn Taylor 25:25
at a 15 year old said to me last week, she's like, I don't like adults. And I laughed, and I was like, that's okay. Neither do I. Yeah. And she laughed, and she goes, you make me believe that I could actually be an adult who's going to be okay. Wow. But I've had very adult conversations with her. Right? And I'm like, No, I'm not going to sugarcoat it because you're 15. Yeah, this is the reality of what you're dealing with. This is how it's going to show up in your future. This is how it's rewired your brain at this point. So now, how are we going to deal with this? What are the skills, the tools, the strategies, you need to develop into an amazing, healthy adult while you're still developing yourself?
Deena Kordt 26:09
Honesty and hope, like, beautiful package?
Dawn Taylor 26:12
Oh, really? Hard to find,
Deena Kordt 26:16
like, really? Taught me this stuff. And it's, I'm gonna be okay. But what about all this crap I have to deal with, you know, and they know when your sugar coated coating stuff? Totally.
Dawn Taylor 26:28
Oh, that was always that was always my biggest pet peeve. Right. So for anyone who's listening, it's like multiple things. Number one, it's never too late. till you're in the ground. It's not too late. It's not, we're never too old to change. We're never too jaded to be healed. We're never none of it. Get rid of all of that bullshit in your head. This telling you that? It's like no, but my story is too big or I'm too broken or I'm too damaged, or I've tried everything. There's always something else. Out there always is. And you know what, if you can't fight for yourself, find someone around you who can?
Deena Kordt 27:09
Ooh, that's good. Advice. Five. You know, you talked about that negative positivity. And this cuts that toxic positivity. There three toxic positivity, negative positivity. Whoo. That's an oxymoron. It kind of is. But yeah, the toxic positivity, which was part of our culture in general. You know, if a kid even fell down, they'd be like, Oh, don't cry. It doesn't hurt. Like, you'll be fine. Even we're fine with little things. It's like, wait a minute, no, smoking hurts. Like I bleeding here, like a kiss. Well, it's nice. But Can somebody clean me up about me and, and give me a hug and say, Man, that must really hurt. Right now cry harder? Yeah. Yeah. And now, what you're creating for people you got, they're like, look, this, this is really, this is gonna suck. And there's gonna be some really hard times. But there are ways through it.
Dawn Taylor 28:07
Here's your action plan,
Deena Kordt 28:08
and you've lived it. And you've gone to a few conferences and and you're like, I got all these tools for you. It's, it's real life, real life tools that you've tested and tried.
Dawn Taylor 28:22
And lots of them in the book, honestly, lots of them in the book, where it's like, no, no, here you go. The one thing I do want to say, too, but my husband is people often have asked like, Man, I must be nice to have, like the fact that he's stuck around and he's fought for you. And he's done all these things. Like I get that a lot. He's a very amazing man. But the one thing that I often point out to people is he never said he'd stick around forever. He said, As long as you are fighting for you, I will fight for you. Yeah.He does not put up with my crap. Like, at all, at all. So as long as I'm fighting for me, right, as long as I am doing the work as long as I am doing what needs to be done, oh, he's not going anywhere.
Deena Kordt 29:11
But this hasn't just been one sided. You've supported.
Dawn Taylor 29:16
We have for each other. And for us, that's what we that's what we added into our wedding vows. Right? And not it was really cute actually, the morning of our wedding. We snuck away from our we were like barely 20 Like he was two days before his 20th birthday. We were kids. And we snuck away from our people in our little rooms on the opposite sides of the church and we met and hid underneath the stairs and this little like no, it was this little storage room that wasn't used under the stairs. And we sat in there and my hair was done and I had my head piece in and I'm in like jeans and a T shirt and jeans and a T shirt. And we like hid under there and we talked and a few of the things that we decided I was like Number one, divorce wasn't an option that we would fight to the death for it. Obviously, we're now adults. And we know that life is a bit bigger than that. Right. But we also had very healthy boundaries on that, like we knew that like, if like we had talked through like, is a fair isn't a fair acceptable is that something that we would be willing to fight through was the forms of abuse, what forms of like we had talked through that stuff? Because he had come from a diverse background, I didn't. But I'd also watched a very unhealthy marriage my whole life, right? So we'd had like, even at 19 years old, we were having these conversations on like, what we were okay and not okay with in armor in our relationship. But on that, really, one of the things that we think you, I think we're kind of crazy, but we did, and I highly recommend every couple does. But one of the things that we did talk about under those stairs was I will fight for you as long as you fight for you. But the minute you give up on yourself, I'm out. And we both like we both said it to each other and it was like in sickness health for richer, for poorer, in you know, we did the traditional vows, we did the 100% promise, 11 Obey like we hardcore traditional bout it. But all of those meant, also, though, not just till death do us part, but till death in a form of when you stop, and you start dying. When you stop fighting for yourself, when you give up on yourself, because if you give up on you, you're giving up on us. And both of us refused to be in a marriage that was 100%, one sided in that way. And so we've had our times we've had our times that mean, we've been together, what 27 and a half years at this point, like it's been a long time. And we had a situation a couple years ago where it felt like he was giving up on his health. And I was like, you have decisions to make because I'm not doing this. The minute you quit, he was like, No, that was our vow. And things changed. Right? Like this still to this day, we have very, very firm boundaries and rules on it.
Deena Kordt 32:17
And what a healthy way to be inspired and incentivized to look after yourself to continue to look after yourself. You're doing it as a team.
Dawn Taylor 32:32
But do you think so I said this a little while ago, and it pissed a lot of people off. So I'm going to say it again. Because Welcome to me, I made a comment that I to someone and I said, I don't think that our pain, that our pain and I was I don't care if it's PMS pain, or menopause pain or emotional pain or whatever is ever a justification for abuse.
Deena Kordt 32:58
Never. It's not is zero justification for abuse
Dawn Taylor 33:04
in any way, shape, or form. And so I think that neglect is a form of abuse. Right? And so for me, when I am working with a client, I often say that is like, I don't care how damaged you've been, or how much trauma you've been through whatever. It is never an excuse to abuse your partner.
Deena Kordt 33:33
Absolutely never an excuse ever,
Dawn Taylor 33:35
does some do some of those actions maybe happen while doing some healing, where you might have like heightened emotions or you're angry about something and the more stuff comes out, absolutely. But we can set up your partner for success in those to know how to manage that and to know how to deal with that and to put some metrics around it in advance. But like, I am old enough that I was a child of the 80s literally born in 1980. And I remember watching even the females in my own house. And my husband is the one who called me out on it one time and he's like, What is this like, open and PMS thing so I can rip your face off or I can be mad or I can be grumpy or? And I was like oh yeah, I was raised with that. And a lot of people were
Deena Kordt 34:22
Yes, I you hear it and write
Dawn Taylor 34:24
it all the time. And I think these are some of the things that I would challenge people on. I'm sure I'm I'm making people more frustrated than wanting to work with me at this point on this podcast, but I want to challenge people on that I really want to challenge you on it is if that is something that's going on in your own relationship where in whatever way, shape or form, whether it's friendships or it's your partner, you're in like a romantic way it doesn't matter your business partner whatever it is. If you are justifying or they are just defying bad behavior on any of those things. It's time to take a look in the mirror and figure out what's going on.
Deena Kordt 35:06
Totally agree. There's something there's something going on inside. And what's it's like, if you spew that out on other people, whether it's PMS, or like, if it's pain or psychological pain, whatever that is. You see, others you're not perpetuating this. Now. Now they're going to it's like that kick the cat. Scenario. Oh, no. You're just going to keep it's just going to keep rippling out. Yep. So yes, absolutely. There is no, there is no excuse. And yeah, sure, people can say maybe I'm hypersensitive to that kind of thing? I don't think so. I'm very much of the theory. Instead of pulling people out of the river, let's go upstream and find out what the hell is going on up there. Right. Let's change that. Let's look for the positive male role role models. Let's, let's celebrate them. Let's get them involved in helping you know, for example, boys learn how to speak to girls, or girls, not using BMS as an excuse to be a bit. There's just there's so drew salmoni, and those are little things that are very undermining. So how healthy is a marriage when the guy is afraid these tiptoeing around the house for I don't know, a couple of days? Because she's, she's using the excuse while they put that like, Oh, I'm beautiful.
Dawn Taylor 36:39
My husband, and people are always like, mortified when I tell them this story. And I'm like, no, no, don't be mad at him. He was 100% justified. It was probably a year into marriage. And he came up to me one day and he goes, Hey, how old were you when you got your period for the first time? And I was like, what? He's like, how old were you? I said, 910. Somewhere in there. Like, I think it was nine. And he goes, Do you have it once a month? And I said, Yeah, and I'm not cluing in right. I'm like, Yes. He's like, Okay, so you've been having it for over 10 years? And I said, Yeah, I guess so like 12 years at this point. He's like, so you've had this like, probably about 140 times? Oh, my God. And I said, Yeah, and he's like, figure it out. Oh, it's like he was he wasn't raised with sisters. Right? Okay. It's mom, but it was all boys. And he's like, if you know, that you're gonna be grumpy. Avoid people. If you know, you're gonna be sad. Don't watch sad movies. If you know that every time you open your mouth, you're gonna be nasty Shut up. I remember standing there and looking at him. And I was furious. Flake, there was a grumpy period. Oh, 100%. He was. He's like this, well, I'm PMS thing. And he looks at me and he goes, because this is not okay for the rest of your life. He's like, figure this out. And he turned around and walked away. And when I finally calmed down, it was very interesting. When I finally calmed down that I was like, oh, key, he may have had a very valid point. They're like, maybe, maybe he actually knows what he's talking about. Maybe his delivery of it was not appropriate way to do it. In that way, shape or form. Honestly, that was what I needed to hear. Yeah, right.
Deena Kordt 38:50
You're You're, you're no bullshit percent. So you know what, let's just see how it is very real. In the moment, it wasn't maybe the best approach. But it did. It was a wake up call. And it kind of recenter was just, you were receptive to it. And, and actually didn't just stay in the mat. You paused and digested it. And then what what was the result of that afterward?
Dawn Taylor 39:21
You know, the biggest thing was everything he had said, I realized all of those things. And so I started looking at it as preventative maintenance. It was like, okay, so knowing about every month when I'm going to get my period, I know that these are the 10 days in advance that I get a little bit testy. Right. So in those 10 days, who are the people I avoid? Who are the people I hang out with? Right? I know you're a problem. Nine putting you in those days, I'm choosing to torture myself. Right? That's nobody else's fault. But also, I would get very quiet I would shift the music I was listening to I would shift the books I was reading, I would shift the TV shows I was watching. And I would do things that calmed me more. But I also would just like, validate the fact that no, my body is processing emotions and hormones and all of these things. So if I need a good cry, have a good cry, but I don't need to have a good cry well raging. Right. And I realized that it was my words. My words were my viciousness, when I would get feel uncomfortable. Right, so I just got really quiet. I just pretty much would shut up for a week. And we had a roommate at one point who had had three older sisters. And he pulled Chad aside about four months into living with us, and he's like, I can't figure it out. And Chad was like when he was when did she get her period? He's like, I've been walking on eggshells for four months waiting for the day that I have to hide from her. And nothing's happening. And Chad's like, Do you notice how she gets like, really weird, like, quiet, like when we come on? And he goes, Yeah, I thought she was just like, extra busy or had a lot on her mind. And Chad's like, no, she had her period, she just gets really quiet. Oh, and I would, I would like everything, everything in my world, I just got quiet. I was like, Nope, I'm just like, this isn't the time I'm going to hold a staff meeting. This isn't the time that I'm going to have a meeting with my boss. This isn't the time that I'm going to call my mom. Time, right? Like, this is the time where I need to protect myself from my words, and I need to protect everybody else from my words. And the number one way to do that is to shut my mouth.
Deena Kordt 41:39
Well, it talks about less regrets in life. Oh, gosh,
Dawn Taylor 41:43
it was probably the smartest thing I ever did. Because even staff, even staff would be like, you're just like, we're like quiet this week. And I'd be like, yeah, PMS thing. You don't get grumpy. And I was like, No, I said assignment that I'm not grumpy. I'm just not sharing my grumpy with everybody.
Deena Kordt 42:05
I want to back that up just a little bit and touch on your relationship with your mom. Yes, we talk about that in the book. And I could relate a little bit there. In the later years. I've lost my mom a couple of years ago. But Whew. I think so many people have either daddy issues, mommy issues or both. And it's been and to try and reconcile that. No, I haven't shared this with more than like two people. But this summer. I, my dad has been sorting through my mom's office and her papers and that kind of thing. And it's given him something to do. And he felt the need to send me a letter that she had drafted but never sent for a reason. But he sends it to me, where she makes the statement amongst a few things. I should have never given birth. And when I read your story of how you had you been wondering, like, what the heck, why? Like, I can never be good enough for my mom, what I didn't have that experience necessarily nothing to the extent of what you described in the book. And like you said, you've only shared about 60% of everything. Oh. So I appreciated that you share that. But tell us more about how you came to heal from that.
Dawn Taylor 43:37
So I was reading a book called changes that heal. It's I think it's Dr. Henry Cloud, or Dr. John Townsend, one of the two. They're the guys that do the boundaries, books. And they were talking in there about bonding and connecting, and how when a trauma happens at a specific age in our life that traps us in that area at that point. So if we have like a sexual trauma at the age, like myself, at age 14, it blocks you sexually at the age of 14, right. And one of the things that they were writing about and it was I was in one of my really, really dark periods, and it was about eight months, eight months, nine months after my mom had died. And I'd had a hell of a year. And they were talking about how we learn how to bond in utero. And we actually learn how to bond and how to love in utero, we're taught that the two are really not even on Earth yet. And that is when we're learning these two things. And they were talking about this inability to bond and I was reading this list of I should go back and find the book again. But I was reading an in my memory was this list of like symptoms or side effects to think know if this is something you struggled with? And it was like 100% and I woke my husband up middle of the I eat and I was like, I don't struggle bonding, I'm fine. And he's like, Don, you're the most disconnected person I've ever met. And I was like, what? He's like you struggle so hard to bond. He's like, when you choose someone, you choose them. You love people very hard. He said, But you struggled to really, truly bond and connect to people. He's like, I he's like, it took me seven years to know you loved me. And I was like, you don't know what you're talking about? Go back to sleep. But I stormed out of the room, right. And I called my sister the next day. And I was like, Is this a thing? And she's like, did you not know this? And she proceeded to tell me how my mom had tried to miscarry me her entire pregnancy. And I had heard bits of it, but I didn't really ever connect at all. But she had wicked postpartum depression, and she tried to miscarry me her entire pregnancy. And so by the time I was born, like you're gonna find you a photo. People, you got to watch the video now of this to see the photo. But by the time I was born, in her words, she had taught herself to hate me so much, that she didn't even know how to touch me. And it took almost two years before she could touch me without physically retching.
Deena Kordt 46:24
Oh, no.
Dawn Taylor 46:27
It was. And I remember hearing this for my sister. And again, I'm like, Yeah, whatever. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm fine, right. And as I was processing that, and I had to grieve this hard. As I was processing this, I remember thinking this makes so much sense. This makes so much sense why I never connected to her why I never felt her love why I didn't ever think of her in that mommy way that my friends thought of their moms or had that bond or connection. And there were multiple pieces of the grieving. So when I had to deal with the rejection piece of me, right to be born into a spirit of rejection, to be born into this inability to bond, right? It was, and it's still something that to this day, honestly, like the the mom piece fits fine. But it still comes up every once in a while on the rejection where I'm like, oh, that's bugging me again. Okay, well, there's a different layer there. And that's fine. I got to figure that out now, right. It'll still come up once in a while. But the biggest was, I had to grieve my mom and allow myself to be mad at her and grieve the relationship that should have been and the relationship that could have been, and not just not just be like, Oh, no, she's gone. And it's fine. And I need to move past like, I full on like, raged at her and I wrote nasty letters and went to her grave side and I lay there in the dirt and cried on it. Kicked the tombstone. I'm sure there's a problem with that, but, but I had to like I really, really had to process that. And part of my healing was that I went to my dad, I went to my mom's sister's, I went to my mom's parents, probably the most important person was my mom's best friend. And I talked to them about I need you to talk to me about my mom and what she thought of me. What were her struggles with me? What were her actual thoughts of me? Where? Where was she coming from? Because I really needed to understand her. And I needed to understand her pain, I need to understand her anguish, I needed to understand what would cause someone to ever go their journey. Right, but also to understand like, in that right to the day she died, it was a struggle. Right. And in order to fully move past it, I needed to understand her side of it, because there could never be a closure from her side. Because that conversation wouldn't happen. So one of the parts of that grieving was I went back through every single photo of my entire childhood. And I went back through all of my parents photos. So there were over 100,000 photos. I actually have them all digital, and I sat and I scrolled and I did this whole it was a week of chaos. I'll tell you about it one day. But I found this photo. And it's the only photo of me and my mom in the hospital nurse so I'll show it to you.
Deena Kordt 49:40
Oh, it is the saddest photo. She's just like a ghost. Or? Yeah. Isn't that
Dawn Taylor 49:51
wild?
Deena Kordt 49:52
It's not a warm, loving.
Dawn Taylor 49:56
She's not even holding me in her arms. I'm resting on her legs and she kind of has to Her arms like attached to me, and you can feel her like, I don't know how to do this. Yeah. Right. Like, I don't know how to connect to this child. And it makes me sad for her. Right. And that was one of the photos that I was like, oh, okay, this actually really started at a young age for me.
Deena Kordt 50:23
Dawn, when you say that, that makes you sad for her, that is a testament to the work you've done, the journey that you took to understand her and her story. And not just the rage that it built in you.
Dawn Taylor 50:38
Thank you. It's taken a lot of work to heal that relationship. And I still go back, I still go back and talk to her best friend every once in a while. And we'll be like, Hey, did she ever talk to you about this? Did she ever bring up this? How did how did she deal with this? And she struggled at first having these conversations with me because she's like, gonna don't hurt you. And I was like, no, no, no. So as you teary, I was like, It's not about I'm not mad at her anymore. I just need to understand her. Because if I can love her as a broken human, and feel that compassion for her, it doesn't hurt in the same way.
Deena Kordt 51:20
And it helps you love you and accept your work.
Dawn Taylor 51:24
It's not that I wasn't enough. It's not that I was unwanted. It's not like it's none of those things. It's none of those things. It's, she was so hurt, and she was so broken. And she raised me and formed that in me, but guess what, I have the opportunity to choose different. I have the opportunity to do something different. And to heal. And you know, I've said to people, like, my life got better the day my mom died.
Deena Kordt 51:59
minded to
Dawn Taylor 52:00
think I wrote it in the book. I think I even wrote like, I can't believe I just wrote that.
Deena Kordt 52:04
Uh huh. Right, but like,
Dawn Taylor 52:07
my life got better the day my mom died. And people are sometimes mortified. I say that, but then the person who's also feeling it goes, Oh, my gosh, I'm glad somebody just said
Deena Kordt 52:18
when I when I read that, I thought, Whoa, okay. Because I've had conversations with people around abuse. And they hesitate. And they say, you know, there was there was times that I even and I went wish he didn't come back from that trip, wish that that plane went down. And they went, Oh, my God, thank you for saying, Yeah, I felt I've lived with this guilt that I even had those thoughts. And when you said that about your mum, I just thought, okay, many, many, many people didn't know, the complicated relationship we had, especially in the last years. And when I saw that urn, being put in the ground and going, it's over, that's all that's over. It was just like, I felt like this intense guilt and relief at the same time, and you get it. And you're just feeling aren't the only people out there that feel this. But if we don't talk about it, how others are going to be stuck in that guilt, they're going to be stuck in that shame. And they don't need to be. And then already, they're feeling a lack of ability to love themselves, lack of worth from from that relationship. Now they're topping that with a whole bunch of guilt over and shame over this relief. And that's what you were doing to help us that what you hear in October you have got what have you got going on? There's some things that you've created for people.
Dawn Taylor 53:46
Oh, I've got a few things going on. So I definitely still do my one on one. Work with people. So my focus is the trauma. Honestly, I love doing the trauma work with people to be like No, no, let's dig in. Let's heal this. Let's move past this. That is the number one. But I also launched group coaching is so we are three weeks in, I'm doing a very different so it's reoccurring group coaching. So when you sign up as one month, there's no commitment. There's no contract is one month at a time. You can keep going if you want you can stop if you want. I'm not telling anyone into it. It's like no, no, just come and show up. I'm teaching the same tools and the strategies and the stuff that I do with clients every single day. People can write in anonymous stuff, and we'll coach on that if they don't want to speak up. But we're also doing like open room coaching where it's like no, no, what's going on? What is going on in your life? What is going on in your world? Yesterday we talked about trying to think what we talked about we had a girl who's like whole world was falling apart this last week and I was like, Okay, let it out. Tell us what's going on and she felt safe too. So she did she was very vulnerable there. are no disclosures and NDAs and all the things you have just signed an advantage in events. But then I was like, okay, so this is how I would deal with this. And I taught her like one of the top strategies that I've used in my entire life on how to get through hard stuff when your brain goes to freeze mode. And I was like, Alright, this is how we're gonna do it. Let's walk through it together. And you know, you could see everyone taking notes. And I was like, Okay, anybody else? Like, let's do the work. And so it's not your typical, like, we're just gonna sit and be happy. And, you know, it's, it's like, no, no, where are you at? What's going on? How are you doing? There's been beautiful collaborations already. In just in three weeks, there's like business being passed between people, and referrals happening. But I'm trying to create this is called inner strength collective. And I'm trying to create a space for people to go to where it's like, no, no, I can be supported, I can be held up I can be loved. And at a really very, very, very reasonable price point, it's 197 US dollars a month, for four times a month, it's an hour. And yeah, just a really cool space, to get support, feel support, feel loved, get fed, and definitely like learn some new tools and strategies and tricks on how to heal.
Deena Kordt 56:25
Well. And for anyone who's resistant to do any group type of healing or work in this way. I actually just recently interviewed child psychologist from the US. And he was saying that what really turned his work around was when he started meeting with teens in groups. And I realized it was huge time. Not only was this something that it wasn't just an appointment their parents sent them to, and they just sat there and were told, I hear you, I think you're seeing this, whatever that would be professional, they heard from peers, that they weren't alone. And then they would share Well, this is what works for me when I'm feeling really down. There is such strength in so much group work. So that's a beautiful thing. You
Dawn Taylor 57:15
know, people can be anonymous people can be anonymous, right? So we've had people and insert anonymous Google forum where I don't even know who it is, where they can send in and be like, Hey, this is what's going on in my world. This is what's happening. Can we talk about this and then that's what we work on.
Deena Kordt 57:33
And we will have all that information in the show notes. So people will be able to contact you reach out, check out your program directly. And as well as a link to get your book. So I'm I'm just so grateful that there is an ASIC or hope giver don't feeler out there has been there and is going to help walk someone through their healing and through their dark places to to a place of hope. just
Dawn Taylor 58:04
honored to be here.
Deena Kordt 58:07
Hopefully you heard something today that helps you wherever you might be in life. Do you have questions or a suggestion for a topic you want to know more about? Let me know. Check the show notes for all the contact information. Follow this podcast and find us on social. Know anyone who might find this information helpful. Be a friend and share it. And hey, thank you for hanging out with me today. Keep smiling, not beautiful smile. The world needs your sunshine. It means a lot that you spend this time with us and meet our experts and professionals who can help you through whatever life changes you're facing. Please refer to our terms of service available on our website. Life changes mag.com The link is in the show notes. Our disclaimer, divorce magazine Canada, life changes magazine and channel and divorce resource groups are intended to educate and provide quality credible resource information. The contents should not be used as factual until consultation with the appropriate professionals for any guidance, divorce magazine Canada, life changes magazine and life changes channel as well as the divorce resource groups do not constitute endorsements for nor liability for any claims made in the presenting of this information.
