Creating a Child Centered Divorce - Tips from a Family Law Lawyer
Divorce is an extremely difficult process for adults experiencing such a significant and life-changing event. Often, through my own personal lens as a family law lawyer, I see, sadly, how easily the divorce process becomes all-consuming and how destructive the parties' behaviors can become when they are entrenched in their lust for vindication, revenge, or simply to “win.” What often happens, though, is that the little people who are also involved (invisibly) in the divorce proceedings are also gravely impacted and yet mostly overlooked.
Children are at the core of every divorce battle.
Whether the divorce is simple and relatively easy, or lengthy and difficult, children are the most affected by the change that divorce brings. Children are not the ones who make the decision to divorce, so they have not had the opportunity to grasp the enormous change in their daily life in the same way that their parents have. While each parent will eventually settle in their own home, with their own unique new circumstances after divorce proceedings have concluded, it is the children who have to go back and forth between houses, dealing with two very different realities as opposed to one comfortable one. For this reason, it is extremely important to ensure that throughout divorce proceedings, children are kept at the forefront and creating a child-centered divorce is ultimately beneficial for everyone.
What does it mean to create a child-centered divorce? All parents would say that they love their kids, but that alone is not sufficient to assist children in navigating the rocky waters of their broken family. Yes, parents, there is an extra onus on you to ensure that your children’s best interests are being met, even in the most difficult times. A child-centered approach means prioritizing the well-being and emotional health of your children throughout the entire process. It means letting go of the pettiness to ensure that your children do not continue to suffer at an avoidable magnitude. It means ensuring that your needs ultimately align with your children’s needs with the other parent, even if you dislike the idea. There are several key factors that, in my professional experience, have deeply aided parents in creating child-centered divorces for their children.
Keeping the lines of communication open: I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for parents to maintain open and honest communication with their children about the changes they will experience. It is equally important to allow children to express their feelings honestly and encourage them to share their concerns with you. If children feel that you will be upset by their emotions, they may internalize these feelings, leading to further issues down the road such as withdrawal, anger, and an unhealthy relationship with one or both parents. It is also vital, though not always easy, to maintain open communication with your ex-spouse/partner throughout the process regarding the children you share. When parents prioritize the impact their divorce is having on their children during negotiations and/or court proceedings, they are typically able to resolve matters much quicker and with less overall negative impact on the children. Communicating with each other allows everyone to visibly see the direct impact the proceedings are having and to make decisions based on that, rather than focusing solely on self-motivated needs.
Co-parent with your ex: Collaborate with your ex to create a parenting plan that prioritizes the needs of the children and focuses on their well-being. Seamless transitions between households, frequent exchanges, and maintaining similar lifestyles for the children in both houses all contribute to consistency, predictability, and safety—all essential for children to thrive. The way parents communicate and collaborate, especially during and after a divorce, is crucial for children as it reassures them that they are still a priority. Children often display warning signs during acrimonious divorces: slipping grades, increased aggression, reclusiveness, poor sleep, and significant weight changes. They may also struggle to express their feelings. These are telltale signs that your children are suffering because of the divorce, and it then becomes crucial to refocus and shift your priorities back to your children to provide the support they need. This requires effort from BOTH parents to be effective. Children should not become collateral damage.
Do not be afraid to seek support: Long gone are the days where asking for help was frowned upon. The reality is, parents sometimes cannot be everything for their children, especially when their own time and emotions are strained during a divorce process. Encourage and facilitate children to talk to a therapist or counselor if needed. Sometimes, it is easier to talk to a stranger. It is also important that your children have various outlets during this difficult time. Allow children to spend time with their friends, continue with the activities and sports they enjoy, and, most importantly, make time for them every day. The more positive reinforcement children receive during this time, the more manageable the process becomes for them. Parents, seek out family members and friends who positively contribute to your end goal and steer clear of the naysayers. Everyone has something to say, and I have seen all too often that people tend to seek the advice and support of those who only fuel the fight. This is an absolute catastrophe and should be avoided at all costs. It is important to surround yourself with people who are genuinely supportive and have a vested interest in seeing you and your family make it through the divorce process with as little fragmentation as possible and who are not focused on 'getting back' at the other person. Those people do not care about your children.
Avoid conflict and respect parent-child relationship with the other parent: This means, above all, being flexible, understanding, and patient. Coming to terms with the fact that your children’s routines will differ from one parent’s house to the other is a challenge. It takes a lot of grace to get comfortable with this reality, but as difficult as it is for the parent, it's an even heavier burden for the children, who must navigate changing routines and schedules. It’s important for parents to support their children’s relationships with the other parent, even if they do not always agree. Children should always be exposed to a healthy relationship between their parents, not a negative one. It is best to avoid, whenever possible, sources of minor conflict, such as last-minute schedule changes, the introduction of a new partner, and differing parenting styles and routines. The inevitability of these changes makes open communication, a healthy co-parenting relationship, and a desire to remain as conflict-free as possible crucial. This ensures that your children don’t carry their parents' baggage.
Keep your promises: Keeping promises might sound easy, but it's not always straightforward. From the moment children are born, parents vow to love them, protect them, keep them from harm, and want only the best for them throughout their lives. These promises do not vanish during divorce proceedings; in fact, they become even more critical. It’s vital to shield your children from the harms of divorce to reinforce that you, as a parent, meant every word you said. You must ensure the trust between parent and child is never broken, at least to the greatest extent possible. Make sure you show up for the little things. For example, if you promised to be there for their school concert, do everything you can to be there. Children remember these moments. They don’t care whether you got to keep the car or not.
Self-care: It is important for parents to keep themselves healthy as well. Parents need to be present for their children as their best selves, not as emotionally drained shells, as that benefits no one, least of all the children. This involves taking time to assess what brings you happiness and peace, and allows you to reclaim time that might otherwise be wasted in unnecessary litigation. Your children deserve nothing less than your best self.
We all understand that emotions often govern our actions. Since divorce is an extremely emotional and taxing process, it is only natural to get sucked into the conflict, losing sight of what's important. However, by adhering to these tips, parents are more likely to navigate the difficult divorce process in a child-centered manner.
By creating and sustaining child-centered processes throughout the divorce proceedings, parents ultimately win regardless of the divorce's outcome, as their children end up happy and least affected by the inevitable changes that divorce brings.
Meet the author Nandishi Bekah
Nandishi is a seasoned Toronto-based family lawyer. With a fresh and diverse perspective, Nandishi has breathed a much-needed breath of currency into the practice of family law.
As a leading voice in the sector, she is often called upon by media outlets to share her expertise, having been featured on CTV National, Global TV, and SIRIUS XM Radio. Nandishi is also a regular contributor to Law360 Canada online newspaper and has been nominated by Canadian Lawyer Magazine as one of the Top 25| Most Influential Lawyers in Canada. Dedicated to giving back to her community, Nandishi is a part-time professor at CDI College and often organizes tutoring sessions to provide guidance to aspiring lawyers.
With a wealth of knowledge in various topics of family law—divorce, division of property, spousal and
child support claims, and contracts—Nandishi has established herself as a trustworthy and experienced
figure in the field. Nandishi also holds a certificate in Human Resources Management from Cornell
University. In 2023, Nandishi released her debut children’s book, which explores the impact of divorce on young children.
Learn more about Nandishi here.
Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
