My Healing Journey: Finding the Gifts of Divorce
The night before the rehearsal dinner, I threw my engagement ring at my fiance and told him the wedding was off.
We had gotten into a fight (yet again) and I was beyond frustrated and angry. I could never win an argument with him (this was back when I thought winning arguments was the objective), so as we were angrily walking back to our car to go home (yes, this all happened on a busy downtown street), I told him it was over, yanked the ring off my finger, and threw it at him. On the way home I even called my dad to tell him the wedding was off.
But did I call it off? No. I went to sleep, decided the next morning that it was just a bit of “cold feet”, that we loved each other and it would all be okay.
Now, this was clearly one of many alarm bells that had been ringing our entire relationship and that I was willfully ignoring. I was ignoring them because I REALLY wanted to get married. Well really, what I wanted was a partner to go through life together. I was sick of being single, tired of doing everything in life on my own, scared that my days of being able to have a baby were numbered, feeling like a failure because at age 30 I hadn’t achieved much and certainly had not achieved that “enviable” social status of having a wedding/being married.
Had I had more awareness back then, I would have noticed that I was living in fear and scarcity. I was wanting to get married for all the wrong reasons. I was buying into the societal programming and conditioning of what our life journey should look like - i.e. go to school, graduate, get a job, get married, have kids, work, buy a bigger and newer car and house every few years, blah, blah, retire, die. I felt behind in life because I wasn’t married at 30. I felt like I needed a husband to get my life started.
Little did I know how false this is. I mean, it’s totally cool if that’s what you want in life. But something I’ve come to understand quite clearly is that what we truly want as humans, is very often suppressed in us as children. Or at least that was my experience. I was never taught to dream, think big, or consider what I really wanted. And when I did express my desires, they were often downplayed, criticized, or made to seem that it wasn’t possible or necessary (at least this was my perception of things).
So back to my pre-wedding “jitters”. By the way, isn’t it weird to think that having jitters before you get married is okay?? The dictionary defines jitters as “nervousness; a feeling of fright or uneasiness”. Ummm, this is definitely NOT what you should be feeling before getting married (or doing anything that you think you want), so if you are feeling this way, please RUN! Or at least reconsider it and take a little listen to your intuition.
Speaking of intuition - one way our intuition speaks to us when we ignore the alarm bells it sends us in real life, is through our body. The day of my wedding, right as I was entering the church, my entire upper body and neck broke out in ugly, red hives. I was wearing a strapless dress so you can imagine my distress. My body was literally telling me to run. My intuition knew this marriage was not right for me. But, yet again, I ignored the signs and went through with the wedding.
Fast forward four years and I am dealing with a failed marriage, guilt, anger, resentment, disconnection from friends and family, shame, a deep well of insecurity, and a feeling of intense sadness and loss.
It took me three years to heal. Three years to figure myself out, decide what I really wanted and what was most important to me, determine how I wanted to show up in the world, and how I wanted the next chapter to look. Three years to discover all the GIFTS that my marriage and divorce had given me. There were so many.
In the strange way that is life, I am so grateful I had this experience, despite the struggle and the challenges. I’m grateful because I learned to tap into my intuition. I’m grateful because I discovered my values. I’m grateful because I was able to strengthen my relationships with friends and family. I’m grateful because I learned to accept myself and embrace my journey.
Today, I get to help women embrace their amazing selves and their own unique journeys. And I couldn’t have done that without going through my own struggles. Something my clients hear me say often is ‘do what is right for you’. I chose to walk down the aisle with alarm bells going off all around me because I wasn’t ready to trust myself. I learned the most valuable lesson of my life through marrying someone who wasn’t right for me: I learned how to trust myself.
When you know what is best for you, you’ll do what is meant for you, with intention, with purpose, and with confidence.
Meet the author Vera Ilnyckyj
Vera helps midlife women turn divorce and job loss into the best chapter of their life. She guides women to reclaim their self-trust and in doing so, shine their light.
In her masterclasses, workshops, retreats, and coaching programs, Vera provides practical and doable strategies for women to stop feeling like a failure, get unstuck, and instead feel confident, calm, in control, and purposeful.
Vera’s passion for helping women comes from her own experience of being fired from a job, while in the midst of healing from divorce. During this time, Vera felt like a complete failure, purposeless, disconnected, and stuck. As challenging as this time was, she’s grateful that it happened because it was the start of her developing tools, resources and practices that helped her move forward, develop self-trust, find purpose, and reconnect with what is most important to her. She’s honoured to support women on their own journey of healing and self-discovery.
Learn more and connect with Vera:
Website: Practical Wisdom Coaching
Instagram: @practicalwisdomcoaching
LinkedIn: Vera Ilnyckyj
YouTube: Practical Wisdom Coaching
Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
