The Fine Line
*For the purpose of writing this article, the unhealthy parent is the father - recognizing however that the unhealthy / high-conflict parent in many circumstances may be the mother, hence “dad” or “daddy” can be interchanged freely with “mom” or “mommy”*
“Are you sure you heard that right?”.
“Do you think you might have misunderstood what daddy was trying to tell you?”.
“I’m, sure daddy didn’t mean it that way”.
Sound familiar?
These are all things that you may have at one point or another said to your children, when trying to help them through feelings of hurt or confusion they may have felt from the other parent. If you are lucky enough to have a healthy co-parenting relationship, with open communication collaboration and both parents being able to prioritize their children’s needs, these phrases make sense. You would trust that the other parent would not want to intentionally cause emotional harm to their child and would work towards helping them restore that relationship.
Unfortunately for many of you, you are not parenting with a healthy co-parent. When you share children with a parent that is high-conflict or psychologically unhealthy, these relatively benign phrases become anything but. They become gaslighting.
So many parents struggle with balancing what you should tell your children and what you should not. You are not supposed to ever speak badly of the other parent. Yet you also do not want to lie to your children. And further, if you try to make excuses for the other parent’s bad behavior and defend them, it undermines your children’s experiences and makes them question their own reality.
So what do you do?
You validate their feelings. Use phrases such as:
“I’m sorry that happened to you”.
“I’m sorry you had to experience that”.
“It totally makes sense for you to feel that way. Mommy would feel the same way if that happened to me”.
Keep the conversation fact based. Address what your child is saying, and then address their feelings about it.
Also try and make sure that you weave in the fact that the other parents behavior has nothing to do with them and is NOT their fault. Usually something along the lines of: “Sometimes daddy doesn’t know how to show you how he feels. But that doesn’t make how it made you feel ok. I need you to know, that it’s not about you and it is NOT your fault”.
The key is making sure that you are addressing the other parent’s behavior, and not labelling them as a “bad person/parent”.
Keep your own emotions out of it. This is easier said than done. It’s important to recognize that when your children need you to be there for them, that is not the time for you to process your own emotions. You will likely be unnerved and heightened, because your children are feeling emotionally hurt and confused and wanting to protect them is a natural, instinctual parental response. I encourage you to try to keep your own emotions in check, but be sure to take time for yourself to process them later.
I can’t say that having these conversations with your children will be easy. Try to be mindful of the fact that children are drawn to the love and attention of both parents. It’s biological. It’s instinctual. No matter how badly the other parent treats them, they will still look for their love and attention. On top of everything else these children are already feeling and experiencing, the last thing we want to do is make them feel guilty for this.
Furthermore, you want to be careful to not speak badly of the other parent due to legal reasons. Usually explicitly outlined in Divorce and Parenting agreements. Let me be clear – not speaking badly of the other parent does NOT mean that you must continue to defend them or make excuses for their damaging behavior.
And the most important reason I would say we do not want to undermine the other parent is to preserve your own relationship with your child. Despite what your child does or doesn’t tell you, you don’t always know their perspective of the other parent. We do not want to put them in a position where they feel they either have to defend the other parent or defend you, or feel that they have to choose sides.
That’s the fine line. Learning how to balance validating your child’s feelings, recognizing the other parent’s behavior, yet not speaking badly of them. It can be difficult to navigate at first, but becomes more fluid and easier with time.
And it becomes easier once we recognize that the other parent’s behavior really isn’t the focus of your conversation at all. Focusing on your children’s thoughts and feelings, validating them, providing a safe space for them to sit with you and openly express themselves – that’s what matters.
A colleague reminded me the other day, that “we focus so hard on the damage that is being done by the unhealthy parent, that we forget to recognize the importance of all the good the healthy parent is doing. What you as the healthy parent are doing matters. And it makes a difference. Do not underestimate that”. -V. A.
If you are looking for support in navigating this “fine line” and in having these challenging conversations with your kiddos, please reach out for support, or go to www.thetraumahealingparent.com for some free resources!
Meet the Author - AJ Gajjar
AJ is a Parenting and Trauma Consultant, child development specialist, and children's advocate. She supports professionals within the domestic violence, family law, children's mental health and child protection sectors to recognize the detrimental effects of high-conflict divorce and maladaptive parenting on children.
AJ also supports concerned parents, to best protect and empower their children not only to recover from trauma, but also to develop resilience against future traumas.
With a solid foundation in Developmental Psychology and over 15 years' of experience in early child development and mental health, she is the founder of The Trauma Healing Parent, a parenting model specifically designed to best support children who experience ongoing relational harm.
Website: thetraumahealingparent.com
Email: aj@thetraumahealingparent.com
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Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
