*For the purpose of writing this article, the unhealthy parent is the father. I recognize however that the unhealthy / high-conflict parent in other circumstances may be the mother, hence “dad” or “daddy” can be interchanged freely with “mom” or “mommy”*

“Are you sure you heard that right?”.

“Do you think you might have misunderstood what daddy was trying to tell you?”.

“I’m, sure daddy didn’t mean it that way”.

Sound familiar?

These are all things that we may have at one point or another said to our children, when trying to help them through feelings of hurt or confusion they may have felt from the other parent. If you are lucky enough to have a healthy co-parenting relationship, a relationship with open communication, collaboration, cooperation and both parents being able to prioritize their children’s needs, these phrases make sense. We would trust that the other parent would not want to intentionally cause emotional harm to their child and would work on helping them restore that relationship.

Unfortunately for many of us, we are not parenting with a healthy co-parent. When you share children with a parent that is high-conflict or psychologically unhealthy, these relatively benign phrases become anything but. They become gaslighting.

And I have been guilty of it myself.

It is no secret that my daughter struggles to spend time with her dad, and consistently expresses not wanting to go to his house. In trying to make these transitions easier for her, I used to try and encourage her, and get her excited to go.

“Daddy is really looking forward to seeing you”.

“Maybe Daddy has some really fun things planned for you this week!”.

“Daddy really wants to spend time with you kiddo”.

One day, after my futile attempts at making her feel better, she flat out yelled at me. “STOP LYING TO ME! Daddy never spends any time with me when I’m there! He barely even talks to me! I spend most of the time alone in my room!”.

That was the last time I tried to make excuses for or defend her dad or his behaviors.

So many of us struggle with balancing what we should tell our children and what not to. We are not supposed to ever speak badly of the other parent. Yet we also do not want to lie to our children. And further, if we try to make excuses for the other parent’s bad behavior and defend them, it undermines our children’s experiences and makes them question their own reality.

So what do we do?

We validate their feelings. I have used phrases such as:

“I’m sorry that happened to you”.

“I’m sorry you had to experience that”.

“It totally makes sense for you to feel that way. Mommy would feel the same way if that happened to me”.

We keep the conversation fact based. Address what your child is saying, and then address their feelings about it.

Once my daughter remarked that her dad always seems mad at her. I responded with “Daddy is just dealing with something kiddo. It has nothing to do with you. I’m sorry it makes you sad that daddy seems mad”.

I also try and make sure I weave in the fact that her dad’s behavior has nothing to do with her and is NOT her fault. Usually something along the lines of: “Sometimes daddy doesn’t know how to show you how he feels. But that doesn’t make how it made you feel ok. I need you to know, that it’s not about you and it is NOT your fault”.

The key is making sure that we are addressing the other parent’s behavior, and not labelling them as a “bad person/parent”.

We keep our own emotions out of it. This is easier said than done. It’s important to recognize that when our children need us to be there for them, that is not the time for us to process our own emotions. We will likely be unnerved and heightened, because our children are feeling emotionally hurt and confused and wanting to protect them is a natural, instinctual parental response. I encourage you to try to keep your own emotions in check, but be sure to take time for yourself to process them later.

Initially, I can’t say that having these conversations with my daughter was easy. I wanted to be completely honest with her and tell her exactly what I thought of what she had experienced, and that the way her dad was treating her was the same way he used to treat me, and that none of it was ok. But that would make the conversation about me, and not about acknowledging and hearing her experiences and feelings.  

I also had to take a step back and remember that children are drawn to the love and attention of their parents. It’s biological. It’s instinctual. No matter how badly the other parent treats them, they will still look for their love and attention. On top of everything else our children are already feeling and experiencing, the last thing we want to do is make them feel guilty for this.

Furthermore, we want to be careful to not speak badly of the other parent due to legal reasons. Usually explicitly outlined in Divorce and Parenting agreements. Let me be clear – not speaking badly of the other parent does NOT mean that we must continue to defend them or make excuses for their damaging behavior.

And the most important reason I would say we do not want to undermine the other parent is to preserve your own relationship with your child. Despite what your child does or doesn’t tell you, you don’t always know their perspective of the other parent. We do not want to put them in a position where they feel they either have to defend the other parent or defend you, or feel that they have to choose sides.

That’s the fine line. Learning how to balance validating your child’s feelings, recognizing the other parent’s behavior, yet not speaking badly of them. It can be difficult to navigate at first, but becomes more fluid and easier with time.

And it becomes easier once we recognize that the other parent’s behavior really isn’t the focus of our conversation at all. Focusing on our children’s thoughts and feelings, validating them, providing a safe space for them to sit with us and openly express themselves – that’s what matters.

A colleague reminded me the other day, that “we focus so hard on the damage that is being done by the unhealthy parent, that we forget to recognize the importance of all the good the healthy parent is doing.

What you as the healthy parent are doing matters. And it makes a difference. Do not underestimate that”.  -V.A.

If you are looking for support in navigating this “fine line” and in having these challenging conversations with your kiddos, please reach out for support, or go to www.thetraumahealingparent.com for some free resources!

Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.