Navigating Divorce: How to Have the Hard Conversations
Divorce can be a dark, nasty, difficult and emotional journey that many people find themselves on. It is a process filled with uncertainty, grief, and real life changes. One of the most crucial aspects of this process is having those challenging conversations that can be the turning point in your journey towards divorce. For you who are stuck, afraid and need the tools to know next steps to take, In this blog post, we'll explore the importance of having those tough discussions and offer some guidance on how to navigate them.
The Importance of Hard Conversations
Divorce is not a decision to be taken lightly. It often involves a complex mix of trauma(financial, psychological, verbal, pets &property) emotions, financial considerations, and the well-being of any children involved. High-Conflict and Narcissistic spouses create a whole extra component that create deep rooted worries on how to take the next steps. When a relationship reaches a point where separation seems like the best option, it's crucial to have discussions with your partner. These hard conversations serve several purposes.
Regain Your Power
With your cycle of trauma in the relationship and patterns of abuse, your body learns patents from the environment it has lived in. With undigested life experience's (trauma) it stays active in our systems. This is where you stay complacent in the relationship as its just "easier" to shut up and walk away from the conversation. Trauma is not the events, its what we carry inside as a result of the trauma as the stress response. When we stay in this patent of stress response, we can not complete the loop back to a state of calm. Your next steps needed is to find the tools to allow us to regain our power, to have the hard conversations, and find the process to complete the loop in our nervous system back to calm.
Tips for Having Hard Conversations
Now that we've emphasized the importance of having these difficult discussions, here are some tips to help you navigate them successfully:
1. Find their "Pain Points"
Telling your spouse that you need to separate, especially when their "Pain Point" is either, financial, co-parenting(losing their kids), or social standing issues are expected to be problematic, requires a sensitive and empathetic approach. Using their pain points to communicate your need to separate is allowing you the ability to have them be open minded as you are feeding their need. When they feel you are giving them something they want, this allows your best chance for a more amicable outcome.
2. Choose the Right Time and Place
Find a quiet, private space where you can talk without distractions. Pick a time when both you and your partner can focus on the conversation without external pressures. If this is not an option for you, then drafting it up a email correspondence to communicate it. In writing is a critical step way to document the communication before or after. This allows for a paper trail that can be used in your divorce proceedings as exhibits.
3. Your communicating Just Facts, NO Emotions
Emotions can run high during these conversations. Try to stay as calm as possible. Avoid blaming or criticizing your partner; instead, express your feelings and concerns using "I" statements. "I" statements allow for you to not put blame(even if they are to blame for being in this situation) and focus on your FACTS.
4. Focus on the Future
While it's essential to address past issues, try to keep your conversations focused on creating a better future for both of you involved, especially if there are children in the picture.
Signs of a High-Conflict, Narcissistic Spouse
The language a narcissist uses on you and what it means:
"I Love You"=I want to control you.
"You're Stupid"=I know you’re more intelligent than me
"You're Ugly/Fat, Nobody Will Want You"=You're beautiful and I feel threatened
"You're Cheating on Me"=I'm Cheating
When your spouse uses this language on you, or when you have to have the Hard Conversation of its time to separate, some statements to use back that allow you to regain your power:
" Thanks for sharing how you feel, unless you are ready to discuss____, I wont be continuing this conversation right now"
"I'm not comfortable being spoken to in that way, we can talk about this another time, but I'm leaving now"
"It sounds like you feel very strongly about that, my emotions are valid also"
Conclusion
Divorce is a life-altering decision, and having the hard conversations is an integral part of the process. While it's undoubtedly challenging, these discussions can ultimately lead to a more amicable, timely and cost effective separation. By approaching these conversations using their pain points, fact based non emotional responses, allows you to regain your power, allowing you to navigate the difficult path of divorce and pave the way for a more promising future for both parties involved. From here on out, you control your choices and responses, so find your voice, find their pain points and REGAIN YOUR POWER!
Dawn Shandley, New Life Divorce Coaching
Trauma-Informed Coaching
Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
