Good Grief
In the corner of the balcony, on a cheap plastic chair overlooking the pool, I found myself hunched over sobbing with stored up grief and emotional pain. As I struggled to understand how I got here. I was also flabbergasted at the lack of compassion from some family members.
Because I chose it! IT being, separating from my husband of over 12 years and becoming a low income single-parent.
I simply knew that I could not live, never mind thrive, in that tainted relationship.
Most of my family liked my husband and felt that perhaps I was being hardheaded or uncompromising.
Because I chose it, my family seemed to think I was disqualified to receive empathy, sympathy, extra support etc. After all, it’s not like he left me or died! I had got what I wanted! What I chose!
It’s interesting to note that for the most part our families of origin are not entirely supportive of change. Changing behaviors, spouses, careers, hobbies, religions, is anathema to siblings, parents, Grand Parents and well- meaning Aunties! You might as well declare your allegiance to a mass murderer! Conform, be likeminded, toe the line, don’t be too big for your britches.
My Dad whom I loved deeply and completely said “I just wanted you to be safe”, as in safe in the confines of a relationship which provided me with financial security. Overlooking the deep crevices behind the fragile façade.
When we change ourselves internally or externally, everything shifts like the Earth’s tectonic plates. It’s uncomfortable and sometimes just like in a real earthquake things break, fall apart, leak, and cause damage.
We can never be the exact same again. This is frightening and causes the people close to us to recoil in horror. Because our growth or movement affects them, and they prefer the status quo with eyes closed in quicksand.
Because I chose it, I felt that I wasn’t entitled to anything! I moved out of my lovely home into a very small condo, without my beloved German Shepherd. Now I was sharing my five-year-old daughter with an angry bitter man.
I was about two months into my new life when it was time for the annual family vacation to British Columbia. An amazing gift for my daughter who got to play with her beloved cousins uninterrupted for one full week.
For me however, it gave me time to process the impact my decision had. To allow the grief, sadness and despair come pouring out. Sadly (pun intended) it is socially acceptable to “move on” and not acknowledge the pain. “Oh you shouldn’t feel that way!” Have another shot of tequila!
Sometimes the BIG thing, (accident, divorce, death, job loss) opens the scars of accumulated small losses. Suddenly unable to gloss over the murky waters of raging emotions. The gator comes snapping out in full ferocity!
I felt overwhelmed, scared, inadequate, possibly stupid, mixed with some guilt, add in a dash of panic and voila I am literally a pile of compost! Decaying organic material in human form. I could actually feel a sense of disintegration. Dissolving who I had been and letting go of my safety net. Letting my imaginal cells (the seeds of future potential) multiply and perform a successful coup. The inner revolution had begun. *Here you may sing “You say you want a revolution” by the Beatles
I had broken open and broken away. Because within me lived a deeper truth and the knowing that despite this pain, anguish and discomfort; I was actually becoming ME for the first time. I certainly couldn’t say I felt happier, even though I knew it was the right choice. Sometimes to get to happy we must first swim through a tsunami.
Listening to my inner guide, compass, higher self, Divine Power, Creator, One Intelligence, Intuition, (whichever name or moniker you prefer to use.) is the hardest path and yet the most rewarding in the scope of a lifetime.
Up to this point I gave away my autonomy, buried my talents and denied my skills.
Because I chose it I met instrumental people that believed in me, guided me forward up and out of the compost in priceless ways. During my own Grief Certification program, I was genuinely shocked to find I still had unhealed grief over my two lost pregnancies. I thought I had “gotten over it” when in fact it was a festering womb/wound seven years later.
Healing is a process, which allows us to move forward in healthy ways. What does NOT work is putting a pink Barbie band aid on top and saying everything is all better now. Just don’t freaking TOUCH that band aid!
When multiple little unresolved losses, combined with a major life change, blow you out of the volcano, like a junior high science experiment gone terribly wrong. It’s important to reach out to supportive professionals and utilize therapeutic modalities to honor and nurture yourself with extreme compassion.
While you may not have “chosen” your current situation, it is important to remember that you do have the choice how to more through it! You are capable of transforming your grief, pain, sadness, rage and fear into a compelling new vision.
Because I chose it, I was able to reclaim my power, to heal that which within me did not believe I was enough.
Because I chose it, I now celebrate life! I have grown into wholeness! I have found genuine happiness (which is a neurological state) an inner peace of mind. A sense of wellbeing even when experiencing turbulence.
I have negotiated a cease fire with the horrid critical “viper voice” that used to slither around hissing and spewing venom, and pooping in the most spacious ocean suite of my mind.
I now enjoy a rich, wonderful, supportive relationship, excellent health, and a career that I love, despite the vicissitudes of life. The best thing of all is that you too, can overcome your current circumstance by embracing and acknowledging all your feelings in a healthy and productive way. Using them as the catalyst to move forward at your own pace. Genuine happiness is possible with the right tools!
I’m Elizabeth Manuel - master of the science of being happy!
www.elizabethmanuel.com
Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
