By Louise Rellis

Divorce is one of the hardest conversations a parent can have with their children. It’s a moment that changes the shape of a family, and how it’s handled can deeply influence a child’s sense of safety, belonging, and trust in relationships moving forward.

As someone who works closely with children, youth, and families through trauma and major life transitions, I’ve seen the lasting effects of how these conversations unfold. What matters most isn’t having the “perfect” words, it’s how children feel in the moment and in the days that follow.

The goal isn’t to protect them from pain. it’s to help them feel anchored, supported, and understood in the midst of it.

Start with Regulation - Yours First

Before you sit down with your children, take time to ground yourself. Divorce often comes with complex emotions - grief, anger, guilt, even relief. Children are exquisitely sensitive to the emotional states of their caregivers.

If you’re tense, tearful, or defensive, your child’s nervous system will mirror that. They’ll feel unsafe, even if your words are calm.

Take time to breathe. Step outside. Write down what you want to say. Remind yourself: your child’s emotional safety starts with your regulation.

If you can approach the conversation with steadiness, even through tears, it signals to your child that while this is hard, we’re still okay.

Present a United Front, If Possible

Ideally, both parents should tell the children together. This communicates that the decision, even if difficult, is mutual and stable. It also prevents children from feeling they need to take sides or “care for” one parent emotionally.

If safety, conflict, or other factors make this impossible, prioritize neutrality. Avoid assigning blame or sharing adult details. Your goal is not to explain the divorce, it’s to provide safety and reassurance.

You might say something like:

“We’ve decided that we can be better parents living in two homes instead of one. We’ll always be your parents, and we both love you very much. That will never change.”

The emphasis should always be on what will stay the same, not just what’s changing.

Use Developmentally Appropriate Language

A five-year-old and a fifteen-year-old process divorce very differently. What’s most helpful varies by age, but the foundation remains the same: clarity, reassurance, and emotional attunement.

For young children (under 8):
Keep explanations simple and concrete.

“Mom and Dad won’t live in the same house anymore. You’ll still see both of us. You didn’t cause this, and we both love you very much.”

Young children often think they’ve done something wrong or that love can “run out.” Reassure them frequently that this isn’t their fault.

For older children (8–12):
They’re starting to understand relationships and fairness, and may have lots of questions. Be honest but brief, focus on what will happen next rather than the “why.”

“Sometimes adults can’t fix their problems, even when they try. We decided it’s best for everyone if we live in two homes. You’ll still have time with both of us.”

For teens:
Teens often internalize family changes as instability in their own lives. Involve them in some of the logistics (without burdening them) and make space for their emotions; anger, sadness, withdrawal, without taking it personally.

“We know this might be hard to hear, and it’s okay to feel upset or angry. We’re here to answer your questions when you’re ready to talk.”

Reassure Through Structure and Consistency

Divorce disrupts predictability, something children rely on to feel safe. As soon as possible, share what the new routines will look like:

Where they’ll live
When they’ll see each parent
What stays the same (school, friends, activities)

Even if not all details are finalized, let them know:

“We’re still figuring some things out, but we’ll let you know as soon as we do. You’ll always know what’s happening.”

Routine and follow-through rebuild safety. Children regulate through consistency - especially when their world feels uncertain.

Create Space for Emotion

Children may cry, withdraw, lash out, or act like they don’t care. All of these are normal reactions to loss and change. Your role is to stay regulated enough to hold their emotions without trying to fix them.

You can say:

“It’s okay to feel sad or mad. This is a big change. We can talk about it whenever you need.”

Be prepared for waves of emotion, it’s not a one-time talk. You may need to revisit the conversation many times, answering the same questions again. That’s not regression; it’s how children process uncertainty and rebuild trust.

Watch for Signs of Distress

While sadness and confusion are normal, watch for ongoing signs of distress that may signal your child needs extra support:

Trouble sleeping or nightmares
Changes in appetite or behaviour
Withdrawing from friends or activities
Physical complaints (stomach aches, headaches)
Regression (bedwetting, clinginess, temper outbursts)

These are not signs of “bad behaviour” - they’re cues that a child’s nervous system is struggling to regulate. Trauma-integrated supports like one-on-one sessions, counselling, or play-based interventions can help them feel safe again.

Co-Parent with Care

Even after the divorce, how you and your co-parent communicate will shape your child’s emotional landscape.

Children shouldn’t be messengers or confidants. They shouldn’t overhear conflict or feel responsible for managing one parent’s emotions.

If possible, aim for a businesslike partnership focused on the shared goal of your child’s wellbeing. You don’t have to be friends - you just need to be functional.

When parents handle separation with respect and emotional maturity, children learn that relationships can end without destroying love or safety.

When One Parent Can’t Co-Parent Well;

Sometimes, one parent may be unwilling or unable to communicate constructively. In these cases, your focus shifts from co-parenting to parallel parenting - minimizing direct conflict while maintaining consistent routines and emotional stability for your child.

Children benefit from at least one emotionally safe parent, someone who can stay regulated, attuned, and available. That can be enough to buffer them from the long-term impacts of parental conflict.

Repair When Things Go Wrong;

Even with the best intentions, you may lose your patience, cry in front of your kids, or say something you regret. That’s okay.

What matters is repair.

You might say:

“I was really upset earlier, and I said things I didn’t mean. This is hard for me too, but I love you and I’m working on handling it better.”

Repairing teaches children that relationships can withstand mistakes. It models accountability and emotional safety - the foundations of resilience.

Supporting Kids Through the Transition;

Small gestures can go a long way in helping children adjust:

Keep familiar bedtime routines.
Use transitional objects (a stuffed animal, a photo, or a shared notebook that travels between homes).
Create predictable “check-in” times (like a nightly call or shared journal).
Spend regular one-on-one time, without discussing the divorce.

Children don’t need perfection - they need presence.

When to Seek Extra Support

Sometimes the emotions around divorce are too big for a family to hold alone. Reaching out for trauma-integrated or family support isn’t a sign of failure - it’s an act of protection.

If you’re navigating separation or divorce, remember: the most powerful message you can give your child is we can get through hard things together.

That’s what builds resilience. That’s what sustains love.

Key Takeaways for Parents

Regulate yourself before the conversation.
Present a united message when possible.
Use language that fits your child’s age.
Reassure them about what stays the same.
Expect questions - and repeat answers often.
Maintain structure and routines.
Model calm and repair when things get messy.
Keep conflict away from children.
Seek support when needed - for them and for you.

Final Thought

Divorce doesn’t have to mean damage. When children are surrounded by regulated, emotionally available adults who communicate openly and model respect - even in pain - they learn that relationships can change without losing love.

That understanding becomes the foundation for every relationship they’ll have in the future.

Louise Rellis, Anam Rural Youth

Trauma-Integrated Practitioner | Community & Workplace Traumatologist | Polyvagal Therapy Practitioner | Applied Metapsychology Facilitator | Youth Support Foundation in Child Psychology

📍 Phone: 403.318.7690
✉️ Email: louise@anamruralyouth.com
🔗 Website: anamruralyouth.com

**Meet the Author - Louise Rellis**

Louise’s vision is to empower youth and young adults to recognize their full potential.
Her mission for Anam Rural Youth is to engage with marginalized & at-risk youth and young adults in building capacity for them to break negative cycles and behaviours fostering their ability to recognize their worth.
**Anam (On-um) Rural Youth Association** provides a mobile, trauma-integrated, crisis intervention, psychological first aid approach support service to marginalized and at-risk youth and young adults, aged 13-25, in the rural communities of Central Alberta.
Our distinctiveness lies in our unwavering commitment to delivering crucial services through a mobile platform. We travel to our clients, providing an informal, casual, person-centered approach that ensures accessibility for individuals who may not find traditional settings effective.
As part of our person-centered approach, we accompany our clients for a meal during our meetings, removing barriers to accessing support and eliminating additional stressors.
We are committed to removing barriers to accessing mental health support.
Our unique model makes a lasting impact on the mental health landscape for our youth and young adults.

Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.

How to Tell Your Kids You’re Divorcing: A Trauma-Integrated Approach