Invisible Colleagues: Recognizing Signs of Abuse in Your Workplace
One in three women and one in four men experience intimate partner violence. Yet in most workplaces, this epidemic remains invisible. It's time leaders learned to see what's hiding in plain sight.
The Statistics That Should Keep Leaders Awake at Night
Every day, millions of Canadians clock in, sit at desks, attend meetings, and complete projects while carrying the weight of abuse. Eighty percent of people experiencing domestic abuse experience it in the workplace, yet most leaders and colleagues remain completely unaware.
In Red Deer, Alberta – the city with the highest per capita rate of domestic abuse in Canada, employees go to work each morning after potentially horrific nights. They sit in boardrooms, present to clients, and collaborate on teams while navigating complex safety calculations in their heads.
One in every three Albertans faces intimate partner abuse in their lifetime. This means that in your next team meeting with twelve people, four of your colleagues have likely experienced abuse. Yet most leaders couldn't identify a single warning sign.
The cost is staggering: Canadian corporations lose over $1.5 billion every year in lost productivity and employee turnover expenses when employees are affected by divorce and abuse. But the human cost is immeasurable.
What Domestic Abuse Actually Looks Like
Before we can recognize signs in the workplace, we need to understand what we're looking for. Domestic abuse isn't just physical violence, it's a pattern of power and control that manifests in multiple ways.
People experience abuse on a spectrum through many different forms of power and control. The legal definition now includes:
Physical abuse: Actions causing discomfort, pain or injury including hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, or threatening physical harm.
Emotional abuse: Actions or statements causing anguish, fear or diminished self-esteem or dignity, such as threatening, intimidating, harassing, humiliating, or isolating someone from support systems.
Sexual abuse: Non-consensual sexual contact, activity or behaviour, including unwanted touching, sexual coercion, or using sex as a weapon of control.
Financial abuse: Controlling, monitoring, or restricting access to money and resources. This includes preventing someone from working, controlling bank accounts, monitoring spending, or sabotaging employment.
Spiritual abuse: Using religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate, control, justify abuse, or prevent someone from practicing their faith freely.
Digital abuse: Using technology to stalk, harass, control, or threaten someone through phones, computers, social media, or tracking devices.
These forms of abuse are prosecuted under various sections of the Criminal Code including assault (sections 265-268), sexual assault, criminal harassment (section 264), uttering threats, kidnapping and forcible confinement, and in severe cases, homicide. Recent legislative developments include Bill C-332, which proposes to create a specific offence of "coercive control of intimate partner" - recognizing the pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control.
The patterns often start small and escalate gradually, making them difficult to recognize, especially by the person experiencing them.
The Innocent-ish Patterns That Aren't Innocent at All
Abuse rarely begins with obvious violence. Instead, it starts with behaviors that might seem caring, protective, or simply quirky. These early patterns are designed to establish control while maintaining plausible deniability.
The "Caring" Controller
Sarah's boyfriend always insisted on driving her to and from work. To colleagues, he seemed devoted, always there to pick her up, even staying late when she had to work overtime. What they didn't see was that this prevented Sarah from having her own transportation, from staying for after-work events, or from developing relationships outside his control.
The "Helpful" Financial Manager
Jason's partner took care of all their finances because Jason was "so bad with money." To friends, this seemed like a practical division of labor. In reality, Jason had no access to bank accounts, credit cards, or even his own paychecks. He couldn't make purchases without permission or even know how much money they had.
The "Protective" Communicator
Lisa's husband always answered her phone when she was busy. He screened her emails and social media to "protect her from negativity." To observers, he seemed attentive and caring. But Lisa was effectively cut off from independent communication with the outside world.
The "Devoted" Constant Companion
Terry's girlfriend always wanted to be together. She would show up unexpectedly at his workplace, call multiple times during the day, and become upset if he spent time with friends or family without her. To some, this looked like deep love. In reality, it was surveillance and isolation.
These patterns share common elements:
Gradual boundary erosion: What starts as occasional becomes constant
Isolation disguised as intimacy: Cutting off support systems while claiming special closeness
Control presented as care: Restricting freedom while claiming protection
Monitoring masked as interest: Surveillance disguised as love and attention
How Domestic Abuse Shows Up at Work
When someone is experiencing abuse at home, it doesn't stay at home. The impacts follow them into every aspect of their lives, including their workplace behavior and performance. Understanding these signs can help leaders and colleagues recognize when someone might need support.
Changes in Communication Patterns
Excessive secrecy: An employee who was previously open becomes guarded about their personal life, avoids casual conversation, or seems uncomfortable when others mention their partner or home life.
Phone anxiety: Visible stress when receiving calls or texts, quickly stepping away to take calls privately, or seeming nervous about missing calls. They might check their phone compulsively or seem panicked when their phone battery dies.
Email and social media withdrawal: Suddenly becoming less active on workplace social platforms, declining social invitations, or seeming anxious about online presence.
Controlled communication: Their partner frequently calls the workplace, controls their schedule through constant contact, or shows up unexpectedly. The employee might seem to need "permission" to work late or attend work events.
Performance and Schedule Changes
Inconsistent attendance: Frequent last-minute absences, tardiness, or leaving early without clear explanations. They might have unexplained bruises, frequent "accidents," or recurring "family emergencies."
Concentration difficulties: Decreased quality of work, missed deadlines, forgetfulness, or seeming distracted during meetings. This often reflects the mental exhaustion of living in constant hypervigilance.
Isolation from colleagues: Withdrawing from workplace relationships, declining social invitations, or avoiding team building activities. They might eat lunch alone when they previously socialized with colleagues.
Financial concerns: Unusual financial stress despite adequate salary, asking about advances on pay, or seeming anxious about expenses that should be routine.
Physical and Emotional Indicators
Unexplained injuries: Bruises, cuts, or other injuries with inconsistent explanations. These might be in areas typically covered by clothing.
Changes in appearance: Sudden changes in dress (covering more skin), abandoning previously enjoyed styles, or noticeable weight loss or gain.
Emotional volatility: Increased anxiety, depression, tearfulness, or emotional outbursts that seem out of character. They might startle easily or seem constantly on edge.
Exhaustion: Chronic fatigue, falling asleep at work, or mentioning sleeping problems. Abuse often involves sleep deprivation as a control tactic.
The Invisible Employee: Hypervigilance and Survival Mode
Perhaps the most telling sign is invisibility itself. Many abuse survivors become experts at being unnoticed, at blending into the background, at avoiding any behavior that might draw attention.
As someone who lived through over 30 years of domestic abuse, I understand this intimacy with invisibility. I learned that being seen meant being vulnerable to criticism, judgment, or worse. So I became a master of playing small – in meetings, in decisions, in every interaction.
This shows up at work as:
Avoiding leadership opportunities even when qualified
Never speaking up in meetings or offering ideas
Declining recognition or trying to deflect praise
Over-apologizing for normal workplace interactions
Seeking permission for routine decisions
Avoiding conflict at all costs, even when advocacy is needed
The irony is that these employees are often highly competent and reliable, they've developed exceptional skills in crisis management, reading social cues, and maintaining peace. But they've also learned that their safety depends on remaining unseen.
When Workplace Abuse and Domestic Abuse Intersect
Sometimes domestic abuse and workplace abuse reinforce each other, creating a particularly dangerous situation. An employee experiencing abuse at home becomes more vulnerable to abuse at work, and vice versa.
Workplace Abuse That Mirrors Domestic Patterns
Excessive monitoring: A supervisor who tracks every minute of an employee's time, monitors their computer usage, or requires constant check-ins.
Isolation tactics: Deliberately excluding someone from meetings, communications, or team activities while claiming it's for "efficiency" or their "own good."
Gaslighting: Denying previous conversations, changing expectations without notice, or making someone question their own memory and competence.
Financial control: Withholding pay, controlling expense approvals, or making someone dependent on the supervisor for basic work resources.
Public humiliation: Criticizing someone in front of colleagues, sharing private information inappropriately, or using shame as a management tool.
Boundary violations: Demanding access to personal phones or social media, expecting availability outside work hours, or creating inappropriate intimate relationships with power dynamics.
The Compound Effect
When someone experiences abuse both at home and at work, the impact compounds exponentially. They have no safe space to recover, no environment where they can rebuild confidence or access support. This can accelerate the deterioration of their mental health and make it even harder to seek help or leave abusive situations.
The Business Case for Recognition and Response
Beyond basic human decency, there are compelling business reasons for leaders to understand and address domestic abuse impacts in the workplace.
Productivity and Performance Impacts
Studies show that one positive conversation is likely to lead someone to seek further help. When employers recognize and appropriately support employees experiencing abuse, they see:
Improved retention: Employees who feel supported are less likely to leave
Better performance: Addressing the root cause of performance issues is more effective than disciplinary action
Increased loyalty: Employees remember organizations that helped them through crisis
Enhanced reputation: Companies known for supporting employees attract better talent
Legal and Safety Considerations
In Alberta, employment standards laws allow eligible employees to take up to 10 days of unpaid, job-protected leave if they are facing violence in the home. Leaders need to understand these protections and create environments where employees feel safe accessing them.
Organizations also have duty of care obligations when domestic abuse impacts workplace safety, such as when abusive partners show up at work or when an employee's situation puts them or others at risk.
The Ripple Effect on Teams
Domestic abuse doesn't just impact the person experiencing it. Team members often sense something is wrong but don't know how to help. This creates secondary stress and can negatively impact team dynamics, morale, and performance.
When leaders model appropriate recognition and response, it creates psychological safety for the entire team and demonstrates organizational values in action.
How to Respond: The REAL Talk Approach
Sagesse offers a REAL Talk program providing a framework for these crucial conversations:
Recognizing domestic abuse
Empathizing with the person impacted
Asking them what they need
Listening without judgment
Recognizing: Trust Your Instincts
Recognizing domestic abuse isn't black and white, there isn't a clear list of signs to look for. Instead, pay attention to patterns and changes. Trust your gut when something feels wrong, even if you can't articulate exactly what it is.
Empathizing: Connect Without Fixing
Remember this conversation isn't about you or your experience, but the connection between you and another person. You don't have to understand or agree.
Appropriate responses include:
"I can't imagine what you must be going through"
"My heart hurts for you"
"This must be really difficult"
Avoid responses like:
"You should just leave"
"I would never put up with that"
"Why don't you call the police?"
Asking: Be Curious, Not Prescriptive
Ask questions that give you a better sense of the situation and how best to support the person impacted by the abuse.
Helpful questions:
"What kind of support would be most helpful right now?"
"How can I best support you at work?"
"Would it be helpful if I connected you with some resources?"
"What would make you feel safer here?"
Listening: Create Space Without Judgment
Listening means creating space for someone to define their own experience without judgement. This is often the most challenging part because we want to fix, advise, or rescue.
Instead:
Let them tell their story at their own pace
Believe what they're telling you
Avoid asking for details about the abuse itself
Focus on their strengths and resilience
Practical Steps for Leaders and Colleagues
Immediate Actions
Educate yourself: Take REAL Talk training through Sagesse or similar programs
Know your resources: Familiarize yourself with local support services
Review policies: Ensure your workplace has clear domestic violence support policies
Train your team: Help other leaders recognize signs and respond appropriately
Creating Supportive Workplace Culture
Flexible work arrangements: Allow for unpredictable schedules, remote work when possible, and understanding about last-minute changes.
Private spaces: Ensure employees have access to private areas for personal calls or conversations.
Confidential support: Partner with Employee Assistance Programs or external organizations to provide confidential counseling and support.
Safety planning: Work with employees to create workplace safety plans when needed, such as alerting security about unwanted visitors.
When Someone Discloses Abuse
Immediate response:
Thank them for trusting you
Believe what they're telling you
Assure them of confidentiality (within legal limits)
Ask how you can best support them
Follow-up actions:
Connect them with professional resources
Document any workplace safety concerns
Provide ongoing support and check-ins
Maintain normal work relationships to avoid further isolation
Resources and Support Services
National Resources
ShelterSafe.ca: National directory of women's shelters and transition houses across Canada. Website: sheltersafe.ca Women's Shelters Canada
Canadian Centre for Men & Families: provides support services for men and children experiencing domestic abuse, relationship breakdown, and trauma. National Toll-Free: 1-844-900-CCMF (2263) Website: menandfamilies.org Canadian Centre for Men and Families
Shelter Movers: Free moving and storage services for individuals and families fleeing abuse. Many locations across Canada. Website: sheltermovers.com Shelter Movers
Men's Helpline: Call 1-833-327-6367 (1-833-327-MENS)
Alberta-Specific Resources
Connect Family & Sexual Abuse Network:
For domestic and relationship abuse: 403-234-7233 (SAFE) or 1-866-606-7233 (Toll Free in Alberta)
For sexual abuse and assault: 403-237-5888 or 1-877-237-5888 (Toll Free in Alberta)
Calgary Women's Emergency Shelter: 24-hour crisis line: 403-266-0707 Calgary Women's Emergency Shelter
Provincial Abuse Helpline: Call 1-855-443-5722 (1-855-4HELPAB) 24/7. Translation services are available in more than 170 languages
One Line for Sexual Violence (Alberta): Call 1-866-403-8000, Text 1-866-403-8000, Chat online
Alberta Council of Women's Shelters: Directory of women's shelters across Alberta. Shelter Hotline: 1-866-331-3933 Website: acws.ca Alberta Council of Women's Shelters (ACWS)
YWCA of Calgary: 24-hour crisis line: 403-266-0707
Family Violence Info Line (Alberta): Call 310-1818, Text 310-1818, or Chat online
Women on Wings Society (Calgary): Supports women leaving domestic violence with personal growth and empowerment programs. Email: info@womenonwings.ca Women On Wings Society Non profit organization
The Today Centre (Edmonton): First-stop assistance for adults experiencing family violence. Phone: 780-455-6880 The Today Family Violence Help Centre
Shelter Movers: Free moving and storage services for individuals and families fleeing abuse. Calgary: 1-855-203-6252 (ext. 8) or info.calgary@sheltermovers.com Edmonton: 1-855-203-6252 (ext. 9) or info.edmonton@sheltermovers.com Shelter Movers
Sendero Centre (Red Deer/Central Alberta): Support for sexual violence survivors. 24-hour Crisis Line: 1-866-956-1099 Sendero Centre
Canadian Centre for Men & Families: provides support services for men and children experiencing domestic abuse, relationship breakdown, and trauma. National Toll-Free: 1-844-900-CCMF (2263) Alberta: Unit 5, 3828 Parkhill Street SW Calgary Canadian Centre for Men and Families - Alberta
Specialized Support
For Immigrant Women: Calgary Immigrant Women's Association (CIWA) provides culturally-sensitive counselling and support Canadian Immigrant Women's Association
For African Descent Community: Ruth's House Society provides comprehensive support, and Mandela Men's House serves men facing domestic violence Ruth's House Society
For Seniors: Unison Elder Abuse Shelter (55+) 24-hour resource line: 403-705-3250
Financial Support
Escaping Abuse Benefit: Provides one-time costs to move within Alberta or Canada if you must leave your community to escape a threat of family violence
Emergency Income Support: Call 1-866-644-5135
Safer Spaces Certificate: Apply for the certificate if you are living with domestic violence and need to break your rental lease without paying a penalty
Workplace Training and Support
Sagesse REAL Talk Workshops: Customized two-hour workshops available to Alberta-based organizations to help employees recognize and respond to domestic abuse
For more comprehensive resources and ongoing support information, visit lifechangesmag.com where current resources and support articles are regularly updated.
The Vulnerability Hangover: What Happens After Disclosure
When someone shares their experience of abuse, they often experience what's called a "vulnerability hangover", that awkward, exposed feeling that follows deep sharing. Understanding this can help you maintain supportive relationships.
After someone discloses abuse, they might:
Avoid you or seem distant
Regret sharing and worry about confidentiality
Feel embarrassed or exposed
Wonder how the relationship has changed
Your response matters enormously:
Address it directly: "You might be feeling awkward after our conversation"
Reassure them: "Thank you for trusting me. I believe you. What you shared is safe with me"
Give them space: Return to normal interactions to show the relationship isn't damaged
Stay available: "If you ever want to talk, I'm here. If you need help, we'll find resources together"
Breaking the Cycle of Invisibility
One of the most powerful things we can do as leaders and colleagues is to help people experiencing abuse become visible again, not by forcing them into the spotlight, but by creating safe spaces where they can choose to be seen.
This means:
Recognizing their expertise and contributions in professional settings
Offering leadership opportunities when they're ready
Encouraging their voice in meetings and decisions
Celebrating their achievements appropriately
Including them in team activities without pressure
For someone who has been systematically diminished and controlled, these seemingly small acts of recognition can be profoundly healing.
The Ripple Effect of Recognition
When organizations become skilled at recognizing and responding to domestic abuse, the impact extends far beyond individual cases:
Cultural change: Teams develop greater empathy and emotional intelligence
Policy improvements: Organizations create better support systems for all employees facing crisis
Community impact: Companies become part of the solution to a social epidemic
Industry leadership: Organizations model best practices for other employers
Moving Forward: From Awareness to Action
Reading about domestic abuse recognition is just the beginning. Real change requires consistent, intentional action:
This Week
Take REAL Talk training through Sagesse
Review your organization's current policies around domestic violence
Have a conversation with HR about available employee supports
This Month
Train your leadership team on recognition and response
Create or update workplace safety protocols
Partner with local domestic violence organizations
This Quarter
Implement flexible work policies that support employees in crisis
Establish confidential support pathways
Measure and track your organization's response effectiveness
This Year
Make domestic violence support a core part of your employee value proposition
Share your learnings with other organizations
Advocate for industry-wide improvements
The Cost of Continued Invisibility
Only 25% of people experiencing domestic abuse will contact the police, and yet the Calgary Police responds to 2 domestic abuse related calls every hour. Domestic abuse is a leading contributor to homelessness.
When we fail to recognize and respond to abuse in our workplaces, we become complicit in maintaining systems that harm people. We lose talented employees, we waste resources on ineffective performance management, and we miss opportunities to save lives.
But when we get it right, when we create workplaces where people can be seen, supported, and valued, we become part of the solution to one of society's most devastating epidemics.
A Personal Message
As someone who lived as an invisible woman for over three decades, I can tell you that recognition, truly being seen by another person, can be life-saving. The colleague who notices something is wrong, the manager who offers support without judgment, the workplace that becomes a sanctuary of safety and respect, these can provide the foundation someone needs to begin their journey to freedom.
Eighty percent of people experiencing domestic abuse tell someone in their social networks first. You might be that someone. Your response could be the beginning of their path to safety.
The epidemic of domestic abuse thrives in silence, secrecy, and isolation. It dies in the light of recognition, response, and community support.
Your colleagues are counting on you to see them. Are you ready to look?
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, help is available 24/7:
Alberta Family Violence Info Line: 310-1818 (call or text)
National Domestic Violence Crisis Line: 1-855-225-0220
Emergency: 911
For workplace training and support: Contact Sagesse at www.sagesse.org to arrange REAL Talk workshops for your organization.
For additional resources and ongoing support: Visit lifechangesmag.com for current resources and articles on domestic abuse awareness and response.
Remember: You don't have to be perfect at this. You just have to be willing to see, to care, and to act.
This article was written by Deena Kordt and featured in her ‘Human First’ LinkedIn Newsletter.
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Meet the Author - Deena Kordt
Deena Kordt, publisher of Life Changes & Divorce Magazine Canada, host of the Life Changes Channel podcast, is also an author & speaker from Southern Saskatchewan with a passion for inspiring personal growth and community support. Growing up on a farm and ranch, she developed strong small-town values and a deep sense of community. Deena has had a diverse career, including roles as a nurse, librarian, and reiki master, but her most cherished role is as a mother.
Deena's books, podcast, magazines, blog and presentations aim to help individuals reconnect with their inner strength and joy, encouraging them to embrace life with courage and resilience. She has overcome significant personal challenges, including the loss of two brothers and living in an abusive situation, which has fueled her mission to support others on their healing journeys.
Known for her adventurous spirit and rock 'n roll heart, Deena believes in the power of a supportive community of women. She invites you to join her in exploring life with curiosity and courage.
Awards and Recognition:
2023 Womanition Trail Blazer Award Nominee
2024 Soroptimist International Ruby Award Winner
2025 IOFP Top Women’s Leadership Coach & Publisher of the Year
Deena has been featured on several podcasts and magazines, co-hosts the “Shift Happens Show” and is working on her memoir.
Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
